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  • Anderson Williams

Communication

3/2/2015

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          "The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place."
                                                                                                                        - George Bernard Shaw

“At atomic and sub-atomic levels, quantum theory indicates “the inseperablity of the observing instrument and that which is being observed”: the observing process actively affects that which is being observed, generating a conundrum of meaning that makes it ever more difficult to assume that any description objectively corresponds with “reality.”  

                                                                             - Lee Nichol from the forward of Bohm On Creativity

                             “In dialogue people become observers of their own thinking.” 

                                                                       – Peter Senge from The 5th Discipline 

It may not have been my first critique, but it was the first in which I truly understood the idea and the purpose of critique. I was a sophomore in college and in my first Sculpture class with David Finn. This was my first “real” studio class after taking the basic requirements.

The critique was for a student older than me, a student who I liked and respected, and who seemed way more experienced than me when it came to making art. I had already labeled him as a “prize student” of the art department based on how I saw him interacting with the professors and other students.

The student was African American and his work was an exploration of his family roots and of the African American experience in the South. This piece, in particular, was very personal, and, if I recall, about a specific family member who was a lynching victim of the Jim Crowe South.

The piece was simple and elegant. It was a memorial. There in the midst of the critique room hung a honey-colored woven rope, tied with a noose, the loose end dangling limp and softly brushing the ground. In the noose hung a dozen dried, red roses.

My classmates and I were all white; the artist the lone black student. The room was uncomfortable. Certainly aware of the apprehension, David prodded us for basic reflections of what we saw to warm up a broader discussion of the piece.

I feel almost certain I was not the first to speak, but when I did, I commented: “I don’t know how, but it’s beautiful.” I shared that the piece created a strange and surprising tension between its stillness and beauty and the brutal content of the piece and the story behind it. I thought the contradiction was interesting.

Well, this was not what the artist wanted to hear about his piece. The source for him was so painful and so personal and so horrific that he could not imagine how someone could say this piece was beautiful or still. He wasn’t angry at my reflection but more hurt and confused. How could this image possibly be anything but violent and horrifying like it was to him?

The rest of the critique was a grind, and I am not sure if anyone else got anything out of it or not. But, for me, it was the first time (and I have needed to be reminded many times since) that I understood that when I share ideas with the world, I have to be open to the role of the world in reflecting them back to me, in creating new meaning. When I move from thinking and conceiving to creating and communicating, I lose some control.

I feel certain my classmate learned this lesson in some form on this day as well, because he continued his life and career as a professional artist. It’s a lesson we all have to learn over and over again.

As thinkers, we have to be reflective and open to input. As makers, we have to be resilient and committed to work and re-work. As communicators, we have to engage others and allow them to engage us.

As artists, we have to be all of these.

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iteration

3/1/2015

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           “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” 
                                                                                                                                            - Scott Adams

                 “An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it.” - Paul Valery

     “Most of what you make is the utter shite that helps you figure out how to stop perpetually

     making utter shite so stop worrying so much about the fact that you make utter shite and get
     on with the process of figuring out how to make less utter shite and perhaps actually make
     something that is merely shite or even one day, if you are very lucky, something that isn't shite
     at all.”  - Thomas Knauer

Most of your ideas suck. That doesn’t make you a bad person, a bad artist, or any less creative. Any artist or entrepreneur or other creator with a few scars (and a dose of humility) realizes this.

I am embarrassed when I look back at my old notebooks full of skill-less sketches, weak philosophizing, trite designs, and poorly conceived pseudo-conceptual artworks. Good lord, I hope when I am dead and gone no one ever shares them on Antiques Roadshow. Any respect I may have earned in making people think I am creative or smart or a reasonable artist will certainly be obliterated. Like me, most artists use the notebook to get the noise out of our heads. Most artists don’t have Leonardo Di Vinci’s notebooks. (Although, I suspect he had a lot of “shite” in there too, but history just doesn’t talk about those parts!)

Again, this is OK. It’s even good.

And, while I started off saying that most of your ideas suck, I should probably step back and reframe this a bit more positively: some of your ideas don’t suck. (Isn’t that much nicer!?)

In that sense, it is still imperative to fill that notebook with ideas! It’s the only way you make room for new ones, and, more importantly, decide which ones are worth iterating on. And, deciding which ideas to iterate on and how is the key to the creative process, whether in art, business, or life.

You build on the energy and process of iteration, not the fact of that initial idea.

This is a lot easier said than done. Iteration is a discipline, and is developed over time, trial, and much error. So, it also requires deep commitment.

Here are a few tips to consider in your iterative discipline:

Be present with your own creative process.
Creating isn’t just about output. For creators, the process is as much about identity narrative as it is about making stuff. So, locating yourself in your process will help ensure you keep a focused process, keep iterating well, and keep developing as a creator. Alternately, locating yourself just based on your output (how “good” it is or how much you or others “like” it) is a bit of the tail wagging the dog, and will likely drive you to making more of the same.

Work just to work sometimes.
When you get really out of shape physically, the last thing you want to do is go exercise. It’s a vicious cycle that also happens creatively. Sometimes you just need to work, not to make anything in particular, but to remind yourself how good it feels just to work.

Work with a specific sense of purpose sometimes.
Contrary to popular belief, creators aren’t mere wanderers. We don’t create and change and iterate because we lack direction; we do it because it is our purpose. It’s who we are. So, it is important to generate a vision or develop a concept and then execute it to completion. To develop yourself and your practice, at some point, you have to iterate off of complete ideas.

Suspend judgment – then judge honestly.
Work. Step back. Adjust. Work. Step back. Adapt. Work. Step back. Assess. As soon as judgment enters, the process stalls. Save your judgment and that of others until you are ready, until you have completed the above cycles enough times that you aren’t sure what the next “work” looks like.  Now, stop and be honest with yourself. Should you work some more? Leave it and come back some other time with fresh eyes? Throw it directly into the garbage?

Invite feedback from critical friends.
Your mind lies to you. It tells you things are happening in your work, that it is looking and communicating a certain way because you want it to, not because it is. Your mind sees what it wants to see. This is why people are generally terrible at editing their own writing, for example. It is important that you find colleagues who understand you, your work, what you are trying to accomplish, and whose opinions and insights you respect. Forgive the vulgarity, but as the saying goes: opinions are like assholes, everyone has one (and most of them stink). That’s not really what you’re looking for.

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Seeing

2/27/2015

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“From a very early age, we are taught to break apart problems, to fragment the world. This apparently makes complex tasks and subjects more manageable, but we pay a hidden, enormous price. We can no longer see the consequences of our actions; we lose our intrinsic connection to a larger world.” - Peter Senge from The Fifth Discipline opening lines, p 3

“The physical eye assesses and establishes the rudiments of compositional structure…Then, the eye of the mind (soul) intercedes, penetrates, and prevails in places uninhabitable by the physical eye alone.” - A Guide to Drawing 6th edition



I was sitting with about eight other developing artists in a studio at L’Ecole Marchutz just outside of Aix-en-Provence, France. All of the swinging door windows and shutters wrapping the cool terra cotta tiled studio were flung open to let the famous Provencal light fill the studio. We rarely used anything but natural light.

One day, my studio mates and I were gathered around our teacher Alan Roberts who was holding an image of a still life. I don’t really recall what was in the still life, but I do remember being struck by how “realistic” it seemed. It was beautifully painted, and was considered art-historically a “significant” work. We discussed the piece. Critiqued it. Talked about color and light and composition and so forth.

Then he pulled out a Cezanne still life, some fruit on a table with a ceramic bowl I presume. It was comparatively raw. The line was loose. The canvas shown through – was it even complete? The color was classic Cezanne and the composition compelling.

So, with both still lifes in front of us, Alan started talking about seeing and painting “the whole.” He talked about our relationship as artists with our subject and the ways the various elements of nature, even set as a still life, relate to each other. An apple relates to an orange relates to the negative space and shadow relate to the ceramic bowl. None exists as an independent object, but all as a whole.

Then, he turned both masterpieces upside down. We sat. Looking. Quietly. Finally, he asked us to talk about the two pieces again, as they were now presented.

I don’t know if everyone saw it, but my world had just changed - forever. Masterpiece #1, not the Cezanne, that was so compelling and beautiful, completely fell apart when it was upside down. I could almost hear the clashing and clanging as the individual elements of the still life seemed to fall off the canvas. One piece fell of the bottom right of the canvas, another to the left, another seemingly suspended in air with no relation to anything.

The Cezanne, on the other hand, still looked fine, less recognizable as specific objects since they were upside down, but nothing was falling apart. Cezanne had seen the objects, not just looked at them, and had painted the whole.

In this moment, I began not just to see art differently, but to see my relationships, my challenges and opportunities, the world differently. A sense of seeing the whole has guided my life and work since that exact moment (which is not to say I have always been successful at it!).

Seeing the whole helped me develop youth-led social justice and community change work, understanding and teaching that as a community, we are a whole. We are related as objects in space and shadow and energy, in color, in form, in substance, in the spiritual. If there is injustice for one, then the whole is unjust.

Seeing the whole helped me process and cope with my Father’s suicide, understanding the dynamics of mental illness, sexual abuse, religious guilt, and the life he had lived and the death he had chosen. To look at the components individually would have been to misunderstand him. It would fall apart.

Seeing the whole helped me navigate the low times of business school, the pivot of a startup from a field I knew and loved (education) to one I didn’t (healthcare), the adjustments of becoming a father while still being a husband, a son, and a brother. The whole gets larger and often more complex as life is lived. Seeing it becomes ever more critical.

But, seeing requires the transformation of the self first. Activism and art and life follow.

Seeing is about moving beyond the limitations of the eye and the mind to explore places “uninhabitable” by them, to find relationships and truth and peace within the larger world.

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LIFE

2/27/2015

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        It is art that makes life, makes interest, makes importance, for our consideration and
        application of these things, and I know of no substitute whatever for the force and beauty               of its process.’ — Henry James

I have never known anyone for whom his art was so much his life and his purpose than my college printmaking professor David Faber. And, while he may be disappointed that I did not become a printmaker in his footsteps, he should know that his craft and his teaching were a lightening rod and a validation for the art I try to live today, in this writing, in my studio art, in my work, and in my relationship with the world.

David liked to talk about synesthesia as he walked us through various printmaking processes. He taught us to pay attention to the smell of the ink and the mineral spirits, to feel the smoothness of a fresh zinc plate or clean press bed, to hear the pop of ink being mixed with the knife and to tune the smack of a properly inked brayer, to appreciate the richness of good paper and to find the rhythm and balance in wiping an intaglio plate. Feel the time. Become the process. Revel in the result.

It was all there. (It makes me emotional just in reflection and I haven’t pulled a print with David in 15 years.) His reverence, his sense of purpose. His teaching. He praised and prodded. Challenged and encouraged. Shared excitement and wonder. He was still learning – not about printmaking as a process, but as a unique tool of creation, of self, for each of his students. Art was life.

What could we do with it? What would we do with it?

In graduate school, my department head Steve Murakishi approached things quite a bit differently. He was cynical. He was cryptic, often acerbic. “Irony is dead.” Process was meaningless. Art was about the idea, the communication. He sparred intellectually with us, with the world, not merely as gamesmanship but as a test of meddle. He was a master at creating a void and pushing you into it. And, he would never throw you a rope to get out, no matter how much you tried and struggled. As an artist, that was your personal charge. Toughen up. Get smart. Be relevant. Art was life.

What could we do with it? What would we do with it?

These two artists could not be more different. In fact, I suspect by their nature and the intensity of their purpose and approach, they could probably barely stand to be in the same room together. And yet, they come together in me, in my practice, in my life. These two artists have had as much influence on my personal development as anyone outside of my family. I love them both for it.

Navigating their contradictions is not about what is right or wrong, better or worse, contemporary or historical, relevant or irrelevant. Their contradiction is art. And, if we leave it as such rather than position ourselves behind ideology or judgment, one or the other, we can challenge ourselves with the values of both. We can use it to stay in constant motion, learning, acknowledging our own preferences and contradictions and using them as fuel to evolve our selves.

We must stay present so we can find ourselves in it all. Process. We (make) work so we can reach out and engage the world. Practice. We critique and refine so we can continue to find our way. Purpose.

And, this is what we can do with it. This is what I try to do with it. Because, this is life. And, these are the lessons of the artist.

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Humility

2/27/2015

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                      “Every act of creation is first an act of destruction.”- Pablo Picasso

“All of us fail, and – because they are bold and ambitious – creators fail the most frequently and, often, the most dramatically. Only a person who is willing to pick herself up and “try and try again” is likely to forge creative achievements. And even when an achievement has been endorsed by the field, the prototypical creator rarely rests on her laurels; instead, she proceeds along a new, untested path, fully ready to risk failure time and again in return for the opportunity to make another, different, mark.” – Howard Gardner from 5 Minds for the Future

As artists, we often believe our work is inherently precious and valuable and meaningful because…well… it is to us. Well, it’s not. And, thinking so is a trap and counter to the idea of the creative process.

The most important lesson I learned as a developing artist was accidental, and if I hadn’t been forced into it, I would have almost certainly continued to hang on to my every “masterpiece.”

I had never built anything. Anything. I had never worked in a woodshop. I don’t measure things very well and don’t pay that much attention to detail. So, building things was not exactly in my artistic wheelhouse. So, of course, when I decided to build something in my first sculpture class, I went big. I built a large cube that looked like a kid’s A-B-C block, but you could get inside. I’ll spare you the details of my early efforts at conceptual art, but the piece did make it into the student show!  People got in. People liked it.

Enter ego: Yes, I am Artist. Brilliance. Can you feel that!?

I went home for the summer while the Student Show wrapped up and when I came back, there was my masterpiece, sitting in the hallway. As I stood looking at it, one of my teachers approached and said: “You have to get that out of here.”

Apparently, everyone didn’t feel it should be a permanent installation in the studio hallways. And, apparently, it didn’t fit through any doorways I could reasonably get to. Hmm…what to do!?

The answer was back in the sculpture studio, where it all began… and it was a saws-all. After the initial horror of the thought of destroying my piece, I plugged in the saw and gingerly started to cut. Within moments, I must have looked like the artist version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I ripped that thing to pieces…sawing…splintering…crashing…cutting…and almost certainly bleeding.

And, in the final act of destruction, I dragged my masterpiece piece-by-piece outside and slung it over the side of the dumpster. Holy crap that felt good. It was humbling…and then completely liberating!

I have created art more freely since that day. And, when I teach art, I actually require my students to destroy a piece. I want them to become artists, not just to make pieces of art.

Fast forward fifteen years or so, and I was helping found my first technology startup focused on mobile communication in education. (It’s not lost on me, by the way, that the first sculpture I built and destroyed was also about improving education.) While we were still struggling to get distribution in a number of large school districts, we were presented with a new opportunity:

“We need this kind of app in hospitals.”

We were failing slowly in education and had to be humble enough to acknowledge it. We also had to have the courage to try something else, to keep iterating. Long story short, we seized the opportunity and, having invested countless hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars with a vision for helping high school students, we took the proverbial saws-all to the education app.

Humility is not about accepting loss or defeat. Humility is about owning the process of exploration and finding the strength and energy to keep doing it. It’s about putting failure in its proper place in our art and in our lives – right at the heart of what we are creating.

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POWER

2/27/2015

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                                        “Art is not a thing; it is a way.” – Elbert Hubbard

                                         "Art is power." – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
 
     “The engaged voice must never be fixed and absolute but always changing, always evolving
               in dialogue with a world beyond itself.” bell hooks from Teaching to Transgress


Just a few months out of art school and a few days into a job as a youth organizer, I am sitting in a room full of 15-17 year olds from the inner city. I am asking the young people a lot of questions about their lives, their schools, and their perceptions of the world. The conversation is animated, the problems visceral, systemic. Poverty. Violence. Abuse. Racism. Low expectations. Failing schools. And, on and on.

I was beginning a process of creating a safe space for critical thinking and difficult discussions on important topics, ones that ultimately cut to the heart of how we see and know ourselves, our families, and our communities. I was not surprised by their answers. I had grown up in the same community – although in more privileged circumstances. Once they trusted I actually wanted to listen, they opened up, often with brutal honesty, targeted anger, and sometimes painfully silent internalized oppression.

I am certain it was not the same day and perhaps not even the same week or month, but at some point I was ready to move beyond all the problems to help them start envisioning a school they would want to attend, a community they would want to live in, and so forth, to move from discussing problems to creating solutions. Prompting them with a request for such a creative vision, however, I got crickets. Nothing.

Most of them had never thought of what they wanted, beyond fixing what they knew they didn’t want. Many of them didn’t feel safe with the vulnerability of dreaming or aspiring to something more. “What’s the point?” They didn’t trust that I, or their peers, or their families wouldn’t judge, make fun of, or even ostracize them for it. Most importantly, none of them had the words, the language, to describe the world in which they wanted to live, the world they might create.

So, I made them draw it – no words. They hemmed and hawed “I can’t draw” and “I’m a terrible artist.” They complained and joked nervously avoiding putting the first mark on a large, blank sheet of paper. I prodded them: “If you can’t see it, you can’t make it happen. If you don’t know what it “looks like” how will you know when you see it?” And, finally, it got really quiet, for a long time. Most of them ended up filling their paper with images and colors and symbols of their own vision and own aspirations.

And, when they could point to it on paper, they were able to share more readily with others. Once shared with others, their visions became more real, more actionable.

Language: “The true moment of transformation (occurs) when people have a language to describe their oppression as oppression.” (Ernest Morrell from Critical Literacy and Urban Youth: Pedagogies of Access, Dissent, and Liberation.)  131

Conversation: “The alternative future we speak of takes form when we realize that the only powerful place from which to take our identity may be the conversation that we are. We begin the process of restoration when we understand that our well-being is defined simply by the nature and structure and power of our conversation.” (Peter Block from Community: The Structure of Belonging)

While nothing created by these young people would be considered art by most of us, the process was. Art was the “way.” It was the way to begin a “dialogue with a world beyond” themselves.

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work (and life)

2/26/2015

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     “Throughout history, almost every culture has had art, music, dance, architecture, poetry,
     storytelling, pottery, and sculpture. The desire to create is not limited by beliefs, nationality,
     creed, educational background or era. Your involvement in this tradition (is) not limited to the
     arts, but can encompass all of your life, from the mundane to the profound.” 
                                                                                        – Robert Fritz from Path of Least Resistance

Ultimately, life as art is a process. And, as such, it is more about achieving the right creative tension among myriad, ever-changing, inputs and influences than about finding balance among arbitrary dichotomies. It’s about the energy of creation and action and reflection rather than the presumed comfort of equilibrium.

We have all heard about work/life balance. Most of us have probably read a book about it, or even sat through some sort of seminar or workshop on the topic (probably called something like “7 Easy Steps to Balance Work and Life”) by some guy who has it all figured out. He has a framework. He has a picture. He has 7 easy steps. Maybe he wrote the book.

But, the paradigm is corrupt. As presented, work exists on one end of a continuum; life happens on the other. And, our goal is to find the balance and personal nirvana that is supposedly somewhere in between. It is fundamentally uncreative.

Here are a few critical specific problems to consider:

Problem #1: The work/life duality is zero sum and linear. The nearer I am to work, the further I am from life, and vice versa. One side takes from the other. As such, it promotes identity schizophrenia, anxiety, and even guilt. In other words, the diametrically opposed forces create potentially paralyzing external pressures rather than generative, creative, internal motivation.

Problem #2: Life, in and of itself, is entirely non-linear and is its own “balancing” act of an endless number of variables, one of which is work. Work and life aren’t distinct, but rather collectively come from, create, and reinforce (or, worst-case, dismantle) our sense of self.  

Problem #3: Work and life require different energy and different types of investment and skills. One doesn’t really take from the other, but they all do come from the same source (the self). So, cultivation of the self is the source of balance, if such a concept actually applies.

Who we are and who we are trying to become is complex. It’s messy. It’s emerging. It’s creative. It evolves over time in all kinds of (broadly defined) work and amid the relational and existential craziness that is often called life. However each is defined, work and life are just different contexts for who we are and what we are becoming. It is about us (not about them).

If we are focused on cultivating our best selves, then we will recognize when our current work becomes a barrier rather than a facilitator of that process. Alternately, we will acknowledge when things happening in our relationships, or otherwise in our personal lives, are inhibiting us from becoming who we want/need to become. We then must have the discipline and courage to adjust our course as needed. We must have the creativity to define a new course and live into it.

But, our goal should not be work/life balance. Work and life are mediums in the art of becoming fully human. We are works in progress.

Our goal should be finding art in our life, life in our work, and work in our life.

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incomplete

2/25/2015

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                                       "Man is insofar as he becomes." – Joseph Pieper

         “Being done isn't the point. In fact, being done is the only thing to fear.” – Seth Godin


Helping start a technology company has done as much to confirm (for me) that I am an artist as my MFA did. Whether building a sculpture, creating a painting, writing a blog, or trying to launch a new mobile communication product, my “approach to things” remains in tact. This was not a conscious decision, just a fact. I am an artist.

Art is iterative. The learning process is iterative. Life is iterative. It requires putting out incomplete ideas, incomplete selves, testing hypotheses, and accepting that they are just that: incomplete, hypotheses. It requires honest critique without judgment. It requires growing into the possibility of what’s next rather than stagnating in what is or was.

So, to remain artists, learners, creators, and innovators, to remain truly living, means that we can’t judge an iteration as if it were a final conclusion. We don’t judge the seedling for not being a flower. We don’t judge the child for not being an adult. Instead, we cultivate and observe and adapt as change happens and as we identify new needs and strategies for development. 

Similarly, when creating a new product, offering a new service, or even just sharing a new idea, we need to understand each iteration as a point in a process, in progress, rather than a singular point for finite evaluation. We cannot judge each stroke of a painting as if it were the finished product. We will become paralyzed. When we look at yesterday’s work through the eyes and knowledge of today, just having worked on it more, it can seem woefully inadequate. It should. (It’s the old hindsight is 20-20 thing.) That’s because we have learned. But, judging rather than iterating on this moment would be like saying the first step on a ladder is a failure because it doesn’t get us to the top.

So, the successful startup, artist or life requires that, while we seek critique, we suspend judgment for the sake of learning and iteration from those inputs.

At the end of the day, as a startup or an artist, we only fail when we stop iterating. And, we typically only stop iterating when 1. We stop learning, 2. We fear failure, 3. We don’t care anymore.

So, our products and art and selves should always be incomplete. That’s really the point, isn’t it?

A hail the incomplete!

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healing

2/25/2015

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          “The work, so to speak, also speaks, and at times it is the artist who listens. The work in
          progress begins to look more like a conversation than a lecture.” 
                                                                             - Eliot W. Eisner from Arts and the Creation of Mind

A few years ago, I had my first solo art exhibition in almost ten years. What is interesting is not that I was showing my artwork again or how long it had been, but how these paintings came about and why. I could have never guessed ten years prior that I would have made this artwork. And, I would have never guessed I would be using these words to discuss it. 

My Dad committed suicide on April 27, 2006 and I live and cope with this reality and loss on a daily basis. But, interestingly, for the first three years, creating artwork was not a part of that coping process. My artwork for several years up to 2006 had been technical, analytical, philosophical, and intentionally cold and emotionally vacuous. After Dad’s death, I was not sure what creating artwork really meant to me anymore. I would rather just work in my yard, on my house, or do something else “practical” with my time.

For three years, I did not paint a thing. I entered my basement studio a few times, but I just stood there and looked around and was not compelled to engage. In retrospect, I believe all of my creative energies were focused on reinventing my self, getting to know my self, getting to know the world in a state that did not include the physical presence of my Dad. I had nothing else creative to give.

Then, in 2009, I went to New York and saw an exhibition of paintings by Francis Bacon. I came home. I started painting. It was as though I had no choice. I couldn’t explain it. There were no words.

I had three years to reflect on. The painting process was cathartic. But, it also became sociological, philosophical, and psychological. I had fun. I made a mess. I cried. I laughed. I cranked Godsmack and Metallica. Intensity. I blasted Hank Jr. and Willie Nelson. Longing. I boomed Disturbed and Rage Against the Machine. Anger. I meditated with Pearl Jam. Indifference. 

I lost 6 and 8 hours at a time rarely acknowledging my self, exhausted from three years of reflecting on my own existence. I just dialogued with the materials; they told me as much about where to go and what to do as I did them. I had no plan. I had no vision. It just kind of started happening.

As the process gave way to discernible thoughts, I began reflecting on my experience of loss and the physical and mental challenges, paradoxes, dislocations, and general contradictions of the trauma and reconstitution of it all. I wake up one day and my mind is ready to head into work and is energized to get back into the mix; my body feels like I have been hit by a truck. I wake up another day and am ready to start exercising, eating right, and getting my body back working for me again; my mind wants me just to go back to sleep or just isolate in hopes that tomorrow it will feel clearer and more focused. I can read again, but I don’t want to talk about it. I can laugh again, but only around those I am most comfortable with. I can work again, but not in the same personal way I used to be able to. I am re-forming. 

Back and forth, on and on, my mind and my body distinguished themselves and their own mourning patterns and needs. I had no real control. It was a dissonance I had to learn to live with. By the time I started painting again, I didn’t need to tell anyone; I just needed to “talk” about it. I didn’t need anyone else to understand. I just needed to get something out. These paintings were for me. They were about me. They were about living. There were no words.

As I finished new paintings and propped them up in corners and against walls, my studio became a chorus of new friends and philosophers, each talking with me and helping me explore further. Some had bad ideas and needed more work; some felt transcendent; others sat silently to speak to me another day, or perhaps never at all. 

And after three more years of work, I put them out there for others to see, for them to have their own dialogue with my internal experiences and external manifestations, to interpret a language that I had created for myself and that was never necessarily intended for them. Some may have judged and despised them. They didn’t speak to them. Some may have been engaged and asked questions. They provoked them. Some may have been moved and unable to say why. There are no words.

I am conflicted in acknowledging that these paintings were for me and that I wanted ultimately for someone else to find meaning in them. 

This is why art matters. Francis Bacon didn’t paint so that I might cope with suicide. He did it for his own reasons. And, while I am certainly no Francis Bacon, I put my work back out into the world and wonder if it just might speak to someone when there are no words.

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LEARNING

2/25/2015

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          “I am convinced that in order for us to create something, we need to start creating.” 
                                                                        - Paulo Freire from We Make the Road by Walking

I didn’t have a class in 11+ years of school (after Kindergarten) that I was actually eager to attend until my first high school art class. I did well in school, but it didn’t mean much to me.

I did not become a learner despite 13+ years of school until I took my first college art class. This is when I realized I had mastered how to “do” education, but had never necessarily sought it. After that class, I sought more.

I was becoming something I was as a child. I was rediscovering something that was once innate.

And more than a decade later, I am again reminded of this, as I observe my daughter learning to walk. Observing and supporting this process has been truly one of the most profound experiences of my life. It’s thrilling. It’s emotional. And, it gives me pause to reflect on why.

In her efforts, I see something elemental, but that has nothing to do with the physical act of walking. I see something that is at the essence of being and yet, as an act, does little to define her.  I see a process unfold that is often considered a skill, but is better understood and encouraged as an awakening. It is a creative process.

And so with her actions, my daughter demonstrates the critical elements of art-making and life-making, of learning:

Curiosity (Internal Motivation)
At some point, while sitting on the carpet in our living room, my daughter looks up. She looks up to where my wife and I are sitting, where we put our iPad and the remote control, and yes, where we also put our dinner most nights. She can’t see where all this is, but she knows it’s up there. And, then one day, she just reaches up.

New Perspectives
She puts her hands on our coffee table and squirms her body vertical, her muscles unsure of their new relation to gravity. She stands, wobbly, looking around. It is clear in her eyes, she is seeing a whole new world – a world from roughly two feet high that shows her things she has never seen before (without our help), and changes her perspective on the things she has.

External Incentives
What is this new world? What is that on the couch? Look at those colors on the pillows! The remote control is fascinating. How can she get it? She wants and needs to explore these objects. She reaches, but her arms are too short. We urge her on with positive messages (and move everything on our coffee table to one side).

Struggle
But, it is all still there and it still tempts her. And yet, she stands; her legs beginning to shake in fatigue as she knows neither how to move toward the objects nor how to get back to the safety of the floor. She is stuck. Then one day… the right heel comes off the ground…and then back down. The right knee comes up…but the left one shakes. She cries a moment, unsure. And, suddenly she takes a side step and her hands instinctively shift position to support her along the tabletop.

Reflection
“Hmmm…what just happened? I just moved from there to here. Um…I can do this! That thing I just did may get me over there to all the stuff I want to explore.” Within a couple of days, she masters moving from surface to surface to get around the living room. My wife and I have moved everything to higher ground (and also begin noticing every potential danger in the room).

Experimentation
After a week or so of pulling up and side stepping around the room, one day she stands, right in the middle of the room. She just stands, holding onto nothing. She looks around. My wife and I hold our breaths. She drops and crawls where she needs to go. But, she keeps doing this again and again as if knowing there is something to it, a new opportunity there, but not sure what it is. Then she stands…a half-step…drop…crawl…

Courage and Resilience
So, one day, one of us holds a favorite toy or book out a few feet from her, and she haltingly and hesitantly starts to wobble forward. One step…and down. She gets back up. One…two…three steps…and down. She gets back up. One…two…three…four steps…and down.

And, she continued her process with modest daily improvements but with a confidence that began to surge. The fear and uncertainty that flooded her countenance began to shift to a look of joy and pride in her efforts and our reinforcement.

And, with every new step, her curiosity is again piqued, her perspective expanded and her learning and development gather inertia. She is creating.

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